PASS THE BUCK

Here in these parts, and maybe in other parts, too, there exists a shopping establishment called "The 99-cent Only Store." The concept is fabulous - everything is 99 cents. Or less, sometimes, which kinda makes the store name misleading. But I'm not complaining.

Their advertisements run weekly in the Houston Chronicle. Now, popular belief would dictate that with everything costing less than a buck, the store wouldn't have a very big marketing budget. But their ads are definitely eye-catching - and often funny as hell.

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A few weeks ago, when David Beckham joined the LA Galaxy soccer team, this was their ad:

HaHAAA! Ah Posh Spice, have Two Become One?

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I wasn't sure if they'd be able to top that, but this week's Valentine's Day ad was a two-parter that made me choke on my coffee:

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Hope you all had a Valentine's Day full of Good Choices!

AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT

So I got tired of talking about my vajayjay and "the twins" and decided to head in a new direction with this post. Fortunately, I've got new stuff to say.

I got a job.

Yes, really.

I'll be working at an established company in their Legal Department, which I've never done before. Fortunately, the duties, as they were described to me, sound right up my alley. I'm proficient in Word, familiar with Excel, can probably do various other tasks as requested (what does that MEAN?), and am darned professional-lookin' when I gussy myself up.

The beauty of this job is that it's a temporary position. Meaning, I could be employed two weeks or two months or two parsecs (I'm taking Star Wars liberties with the latter word being used to describe time instead of distance). Anyway, I got a call today from the HR person to whom I'd sent my résumé a couple of weeks ago. She asked if I'd be interested in temping for them. Which is the same company DH works for. And they'd pay me a whopping amount of money per hour.

Uh, yeah, I think I can handle that.

Starting tomorrow.

[gulp]

I'm still going to be able to take off for my mammogram on Monday, too.

I'm excited and very nervous at the same time. It's cool that hubby and I will be able to make use of Houston's HOV lane, thus bypassing all the poor drivers on the main lanes. We should be able to get to work and home in near-record time. Hubby's mom even volunteered to come over and meet the kids' school buses every day - which was a load off my shoulders, let me tell you.

On the other hand, I'm nervous as hell about how I'll do in a business environment after all these years.

Tomorrow's the big day, so I'd better get off here and decide what to wear. The attire is "business formal," which in plain English means "pantyhose required."

Oh crud, do I even have any pantyhose?

Wish me luck!

PAPS ARE JUST AS MUCH FUN AS I REMEMBERED

Today I went for the first female checkup I've had since Clinton was in office. Fortunately, my doctor is the nicest person ever to scrape my cervix.

Dr. M did not judge me for waiting so long between appointments, which I really appreciated. Her comment was, "you're here now; that's what's important." She apologized for having cold hands during my breast exam, then again for taking 20 seconds to finish the pap smear and HPV test. Doc, I completely forgive you.

The urinalysis results showed that I have an infection, about which I was completely unaware. Therefore, I have a prescription to fill for antibiotics. Whee, orange pee, here I come.

The tactile breast exam showed two lumps in my left breast, and one in my right. The doctor said she's truly not concerned, yet she scheduled me for a mammogram next Monday. Now, I'm pushing 40, so I was going to have a baseline done this year anyway, but on the order form for the mammogram, she didn't check the "routine screening/asymptomatic" box. Instead, the scarier "diagnostic imaging/consultation" box is checked. She also asks, under "Additional Services," for a "breast ultrasound" of both breasts.

What freaks me out the most is that she drew in little masses on the preprinted breast diagram. Yep, two on the left; one on the right. Check.

After my exam, I was sent in for bloodwork. I had a feeling they'd go ahead and order blood screens today, so in preparation, I did not eat beforehand. In fact, I hadn't eaten since 6:30 last night, so by this time (11:15ish a.m.) I was feeling kinda weak. Somehow, the blood draw didn't seem to help that feeling.

I stopped for a baked potato on the way home because I was starving, but when I got here, I was only able to finish half of it. I'm actually feeling sick right now, and I've got a mother of a headache brewing. I can't get comfortable, which is really frustrating.

On the up side, I've lost six pounds since the last time I saw Dr. M. She made my day by saying, "yeah, like you needed to lose weight." Told you she was sweet.

THANKS

- To Katie, whose blog post made me list my own confessions, including the one in which I admitted that I'm years overdue for a pap.

- To Pez, for persuading me to schedule an appointment.

- To hubby, for taking the new job with the rockin' insurance and low co-pays.

- To my favorite doctor, for being available tomorrow morning at 10:10 a.m.

- To me, for finally taking care of myself. It's about time.

CONFESSION IS GOOD FOR THE SOUL, RIGHT?

Katie may or may not be a good influence. No matter; today I am copying her blogging idea - confessions. None of these are earth-shattering, but they do impact my tiny little world. And here we go...

• I wear my jeans for a long time between washings. We're talking weeks here - possibly a couple of months. If they get visibly dirty, I toss them into the laundry; otherwise, I just toss them over the box fan that's sitting in my closet and call it all good.
• My closet is huge, and also messy. The aforementioned box fan is not plugged in nor useful. It's purpose is apparently to serve as a small horizontal surface that I can put crap on top of. I have an old stereo in there that serves the same purpose.
• My kiddos, save K, do not shower every day. They're all capable of doing it all by themselves, but I hardly ever think about it in time to remind them before bed, so they don't. Twice a week is pretty good around here. K, who hit puberty last year and apparently discovered that teenagers sweat and thus stink, showers every single night. Pey and Ry aren't far behind him in age, so I figure they'll start showering regularly soon enough.
• It's been like six years since I've visited the dentist. Fortunately, I seem to have naturally good teeth. (Hope I didn't just jinx myself there.)
• It has been much MUCH too long since I've had a female exam. I am deeply ashamed, and promise to make an appointment soon, sis.
• My kids are old enough to make their own lunches, clip their own fingernails, and do know our address, so I can't make those claims. Anymore. heh
• I throw out my kids' schoolwork and artwork all the time. Not everything; but definitely most things. Apparently I also feel guilty about it because I still wait until the kids aren't home to start purging - and then I top the artwork with used coffee filters or waffle boxes or some other non-transparent item so that they don't notice.
• I hate doing laundry with a passion. I mean, you won't find another person on this planet who hates it more than I do. Thursday night, Ry told me he had no jeans to wear the next day. So I pulled out a couple of pairs of jeans for each kid (from the enormous mound of laundry sitting three feet from the washing machine) and did a load of jeans. Friday, K said he had no more underwear. This time, I started a whole load, but when it came time for K's shower, I just pulled out two pairs of clean underwear from the washer and tossed them into the dryer with the aforementioned jeans...Oh man, please tell me I'm not the only one who's done that.

127

That's the number of scrapbook pages I completed at last weekend's crop. That sounds like a lot, and it is, but believe it or not it only got me up to May 2006. I'm still behind (like 400+pictures-behind), but this is the most caught up I've ever been. I even won a prize for Most Completed Pages. Alert the Pulitzer committee.

8.5

That's the number of hours sleep I got last weekend, divided up thusly: 3.5 hours Friday night (Saturday morning, actually); 5 hours Saturday night (Sunday, actually). I took five meal breaks at approximately 12 minutes each (the food was catered, so there was no prep/cleanup time involved; thank you, paid help). I left the hall for about 20 minutes Saturday afternoon to take a shower because I was feeling crop-grungy, then I left once more for 35 minutes to drive home and get some warmer clothes and socks.

2135

The number of minutes I cropped over the weekend. That's a lot of minutes, and it works out to what, about 35 hours? Daaaaang.

5

The number of hours I'm going to work on scrapbooks tonight. My friend, a Creative Memories consultant who set up last weekend's crop, is apparently a glutton for punishment. She's hosting a five-hour gathering at her house tonight, and I am apparently insane because I'm looking forward to it.

2.25

The number hours until Pey's Brownie troop gets here for our monthly meeting. Up until 8:15 last night, I had no idea what we'd do at today's meeting, but then another leader mentioned a Valentine's Day party. No working toward a patch or anything otherwise formal; just fun. Sounds perfect to me. Maybe I can catch a nap while they decorate cards...