FOUR NOVEMBER

I have so much to say about yesterday...none of it good. It's difficult to formulate cohesive thoughts about the depressed state I was in all day.

Was it the fact that I was leaving behind the last "young" decade in my life that spurred the thoughts of intense loneliness, the feelings of agony and despair, and even the wish to end it all? Could it be as simple as turning another year older? The depths to which my mind dropped were frightening, and I am frankly amazed that I'm sitting here right now typing all this out.

I was depressed when I woke up yesterday, and as the day went on, things just got worse. The nicer my family tried to be, the sadder I got. At dinner, my husband asked me if it was just "the birthday" that was making me upset, and I burst into tears and ran from the room. I begged everyone not to take pictures of me - me, the consummate scrapbooker, didn't want a single photo to commemorate my birthday.

When it was time for me to blow out the candles on my cake, I had been crying so much that I was out of breath, and it took three tries to blow out four candles. I was sad because I knew that my wish wouldn't be granted. In the light of a new day, I am glad for that, as what I had so desperately wished for was to be...gone.

Today is a little better, but I am still weepy and cry at the drop of a hat. I do not know what is wrong with me, but hopefully tomorrow, when I'm back at work, I can gain some perspective. Either that, or I'll be so busy that I won't have time to think. I am hoping for the latter, as my thoughts of late are scaring me to death.